I am a die hard romantic.
Not the flowers or diamonds kind. Nor the fairy-tale kind. I am already a queen, I have all I need, and I need no rescuing. But I do believe in love. The moments...that's all I want. I want plenty of amazing moments with someone. I want to connect. With words. And gestures. And bodies. And souls. And glances. And smiles. And tears. And snot. I WANT TO CONNECT. With all my emotions to someone. I feel soo much. I have so much to give. So much. All I want is to connect. And I know there is someone else out there who wants to connect. And that person would fit perfectly with me. I'm willing to work hard to reach a connection with someone. I don't expect things to always be natural. I am patient. And I'm willing to wait. But is it so bad that I want somebody I could idolize without fear of being rejected? And that I want someone who idealizes me without fear? With no hesitation? With passion? Somebody who honestly tells when he sees me in a beautiful light? And to whom I can tell: Hey, you are beautiful. And I love you for it. Even if it is for a moment?! I don't care about forever. But I want to live without fear of the words I use to express how I feel. I want to tell someone I love you. Without the guilt and burden and fear that comes with these three words. Forget about commitment for a second...I am not talking about fantasies and the future. I am talking about the present. You know it, we all know it, there are MOMENTS where you LOVE someone. And you're not thinking about whether or not you will get married. Or whether or not he/she will please your parents and friends. You just love them, right then and there. It might be a gesture, or a conversation, or a smile, or a glance. But you love them. You get all fuzzy inside, and sometimes shivers run down your spine like a cold sunday morning. And you get all warm again. And I love immensely. There are moments where I fall in love with my friends. And moments I fall in love with my family. And moments I fall in love with people. And I think wow...they are so beautiful. This, right here, right in this moment, I am in love.
Guilt, and forcing someone into these moments. Or destroying everything by talking about a future, even destroys me. Someone once told me that success means building a family. I say no. Success is appreciating and accepting people. Loving them for what they are. Not what one thinks they should be. And if someone is not ready. They are not ready. And I know that sometimes we all get insecure. And even I get a mini heart attack from time to time thinking about the future (more like 50 billion panic attacks) but man... no matter how hurt I was for feeling something to someone who didn't feel a thing for me... My mistake I believe began when I started demanding something that a person could not give. I don't regret feeling, because feeling is beautiful. Like a wise man once said, even sorrow, polishes your heart.
Is it so bad? No it's not, we all want somebody we can idolize without fear of being reject and sometimes even if they reject us, at least being considered was enough to feel something. Of course, not only want someone who idealizes you without fear but with courage and who uses that courage to make you feel the way you deserve to feel. Yes, no hesitation and rather with initiative and the passion will come from having stepped forward to do it as it can also be the motivation to try. Absolutely, even if it is just for a moment, a good moment, a bad moment, the best moment, the worse moment - for that person to see you as beautiful, never let go, the fear will become excitement and anxiety and faith all wrapped up together. That alone is beautiful. Burden comes when we forget to appreciate what's at the present moment and focus too much on the future :).
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